on a clear day...

Happy New Year!

2009-12-30T11:52:00.000-08:00

Sedona, Arizona

Today: "Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle." which I believe is a variation of "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." by Plato

The time has come to end my journaling here, for I wish to write about health and fitness related subject matter, and non-anonymously. However, I truly enjoy reading the recovery blogs and will continue to do so, I'll be around.

This has been a good year in many ways, and many challenges have been provided to keep things interesting. I still struggle with some hip and back issues, but have a pain management plan that includes core work (much!), yoga, prolotherapy, platelet rich plasma treatments; but while continuing to work out. I've chosen to live life doing the things I love, although on a reduced scale (no marathons). I am off the prescription pain meds, and still able to stay active.

Gosh, it has been such a treat to blog and meet and learn from other recovery folks during the last three plus years. I'm connected to many with email, phone numbers, and Facebook. Each year we even have a Fantasy Football league, where I usually do pretty well for not actually watching any football games.

While my journals here will end, I am still on a recovery journey. I think the early years of sobriety provide the greatest challenges and opportunities for change, with a tapering as the years go by. This seems to be my experience, sort of a steep learning curve that continues to go up, but at a slower pace. Regardless, much work remains.

And I am not sure if it is my age, or the tragic news of childhood friends passing during the past year, but I seem to be more and more focused on my own mortality lately. There is a quote that I remember from the 'old party days', and here I offer a variation:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body...but rather to skid in sideways, running or walking shoes in one hand - yoga mat in the other, body and mind thoroughly challenged, but totally taken care of... screaming WOO~HOO - What a Ride!"

Post acute withdrawal (PAW)

2009-12-30T11:49:00.000-08:00

I read this and a lot of the information rang true for me, especially the 30, 60, 90, 120, 180, and 1 & 2-year sobriety dates re-triggering symptoms, sleep issues, and difficulty assessing and handling stress . Wish I saw this before I quit, or as I worked through early recovery.

Long article, and not all pertains to every recovering addict, but I suspect that parts are pertinent to anyone who quits.

Copied from the Substance Abuse Community at Med Help.
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Exerpted From "Staying Sober" By: Terence T. Gorski

with additions by: Lee Jamison

When most people think about alcoholism or drug addiction they think only of the alcohol/drug-based symptoms and forget about the sobriety-based symptoms. Yet it is the sobriety-based symptoms, especially post acute withdrawal, that make sobriety so difficult. The presence of brain dysfunction has been documented in 75-95% of the recovering alcoholics/addicts tested. Recent research indicates that the symptoms of post-acute withdrawal associated with alcohol/drug-related damage to the brain may contribute to many cases of relapse.

Post-acute withdrawal is a group of symptoms of addictive disease that occur as a result of abstinence from addictive chemicals. In the alcoholic/addict these symptoms appear seven to fourteen days into abstinence, after stabilization from the acute withdrawal.

Post-acute withdrawal is a bio-psycho-social syndrome. It results from the combination of damage to the nervous system caused by alcohol or drugs and the psychosocial stress of coping with life without drugs or alcohol.

Recovery causes a great deal of stress. Many chemically dependent people never learn to manage stress without alcohol and drug use. The stress aggravates the brain dysfunction and makes the symptoms worse. The severity of PAW depends upon two things: the severity of the brain dysfunction caused by the addiction and the amount of psychosocial stress experienced in recovery.

The symptoms of PAW typically grow to peak intensity over three to six months after abstinence begins. The damage is usually reversible, meaning the major symptoms go away in time if proper treatment is received. So there is no need to fear. With proper treatment and effective sober living, it is possible to learn to live normally in spite of the impairments. But the adjustment does not occur rapidly. Recovery from the nervous system damage usually required from six to 24 months with the assistance of a healthy recovery program. Recent research is showing that for some recovering people the symptoms of PAW often occur at regular "moon cycle" intervals and without apparent outside stressors. Often those 30, 60, 90, 120, 180, and 1 & 2-year sobriety dates seem to be "triggering" times for PAW symptoms to increase. People recovering from long term opiate and stimulant use often have PAW symptoms for no apparent reason for up to 10 years after they have stopped using their drug of choice. Often PAW symptoms appear to come and go without apparent reason and without any specific pattern. Individuals who intend to have consistent long-term recovery must learn to recognize these symptoms and learn how to manage them.

SYMPTOMS OF POST ACUTE WITHDRAWAL

How do you know if you have PAW? The most identifiable characteristic is the inability to solve usually simple problems. There are six major types of PAW symptoms that contribute to this They are the inability to think clearly, memory problems, emotional overreactions and numbness, sleep disturbances, physical coordination problems, and general problems in managing stress. The inability to solve usually simple problems because of any or all of these symptoms leads to diminished self-esteem. A person often feels incompetent, embarrassed, and “not okay” about themselves. Diminished self-esteem and the fear of failure interfere with productive and challenging living. Let’s take a look at some of the PAW symptoms that contribute to the inability to solve usually simple problems.

TYPES OF PAW SYMPTOMS

1. Inability to think clearly

2. Memory problems

3. Emotional overreactions or numbness

4. Sleep disturbances

5. Physical coordination problems

6. Stress sensitivity

Inability to Think Clearly

There are several thought disorders experienced by a recovering person when PAW is activated. Intelligence is not affected. It is as if the brain is malfunctioning sometimes. Sometimes it works all right. Sometimes is does not.

One of the most common symptoms is the inability to concentrate for more than a few minutes. Impairment of abstract reasoning is another common symptom of post acute withdrawal. An abstraction is a nonconcrete idea or concept, something that you cannot hold in your hand, take a picture of, or put in a box. Concentration is more of a problem when abstract concepts are involved.

Another common symptom is rigid and repetitive thinking. The same thoughts may go around and around in your head and you are unable to break through this circular thinking in order to put thoughts together in an orderly way.

Memory Problems

Short-term memory problems are very common in the recovering person. You may hear something and understand it, but within 20 minutes you forget it. Someone will give an instruction and you know exactly what to do. But you may walk away, and that memory becomes clouded or may disappear completely.

Sometimes during stressful periods it may also be difficult to remember significant events from the past. These memories are not gone; the person may be able to remember them easily at other times. The person realizes that he or she knows but just cannot recall it while experiencing the stress.

For an alcoholic named Jan this created a problem in AA. “I have trouble presenting my story at AA,” she said. “I have trouble remembering events that happened before my drinking days, let alone things that happened while I was drinking. So to put my life in story form is hard for me. I don’t remember all of my story. I do remember that some things occurred, but I get confused about when they happened. Many times I can remember things when I am alone with no pressure that I can’t remember under the stress I feel when I talk at meetings.”

Because of memory problems in recovery, it may be difficult to learn new skills and information. You learn skills by acquiring knowledge and building upon what you have already learned. Memory problems make it difficult to build upon what you have already learned.

Emotional Overreaction or Numbness

Persons with emotional problems in sobriety tend to overreact. When things happen that require two units of emotional reaction, they react with ten. It is like holding the “times” key down on a calculator. You may find yourself becoming angry over what may later seem a trivial matter. You may feel more anxious or excited than you have reason to be. When this overreaction puts more stress on the nervous systems than it can handle, there is an emotional shutdown. If this happens to you, you become emotionally numb, unable to feel anything. And even when you know you should feel something, you do not. You may swing from one mood to another without knowing why.

Sleep Problems

Most recovering people experience sleep problems. Some of them are temporary; some are lifelong. The most common in early recovery is unusual or disturbing dreams. These dreams may interfere with your ability to get the sleep you need. But they become less frequent and less severe as the length of abstinence increases.

Mike was a periodic drinker. Periods of sobriety usually lasted for several months. During the time he was not drinking, he had dreams that severely disrupted his sleep. His wife said, “I never realized the nightmares Mike was having had anything to do with drinking or not drinking. He would frequently jump out of bed, screaming in terror. When I was able to awaken him and calm him, he couldn’t remember what he dreamed, but he remembered being afraid. After a year of sobriety, he seldom had the dreams. Only then did I realize that they were related to his drinking.

Even if you do not experience unusual dreams, you may have difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep. You may experience changes in your sleep patterns; sleeping for long periods at a time or sleeping at different times of the day. Some of these patterns may never return to “normal,” but most people are able to adjust to them without severe difficulty.

Physical Coordination Problems

A very serious PAW problem – though perhaps not as common as the others – is difficulty with physical coordination. Common symptoms are dizziness, trouble with balance, problems with coordination between hand and eye, and slow reflexes. These result in clumsiness and accident proneness. This is how the term “dry drunk” came into being. When alcoholics appeared drunk because of stumbling and clumsiness, but had not been drinking, they were said to be “dry drunk.” They had the appearance of being intoxicated without drinking.

Stress Sensitivity

Difficulty in managing stress is the most confusing and aggravating part of post acute withdrawal. Recovering people are often unable to distinguish between low-stress situations and high-stress situations. They may not recognize low levels of stress, and then overreact when they become aware of the stress they are experiencing. They may feel stressful in situations that ordinarily would not bother them, and in addition, when they react they overreact. They may do things that are completely inappropriate for the situation. So much so that later on they may wonder why they reacted so strongly.

To complicate things further, all of the other symptoms of post acute withdrawal become worse during times of high stress. There is a direct relationship between elevated stress and the severity of PAW. Each intensifies the other. The intensity of PAW creates stress, and stress aggravates PAW and makes it more severe. At times of low stress, the symptoms get better and may even go away. When you are well rested and relaxed, eating properly, and getting along well with people, you will probably appear to be fine. Your thoughts will be clear, your emotions appropriate, and your memory all right. At times of high stress, however, your brain may suddenly shut down. You may begin experiencing thinking problems, inappropriate emotions, and memory problems.

If your thoughts become confused and chaotic or you are unable to concentrate, if you have trouble remembering or solving problems, you may feel you are going crazy. You are not. These symptoms are a normal part of your recovery and are reversible with abstinence and a recovery program. If you do not understand this you may develop shame and guilt which leads to diminished self-esteem and isolation which creates stress and increased PAW. It is a painful cycle that is unnecessary if you understand what is happening. As your body and your mind begin to heal and as you learn ways to reduce the risk of post acute withdrawal symptoms, productive and meaningful living is possible in spite of the very real possibility of recurring symptoms.

Recovery from the damage caused by the addiction requires abstinence. The damage itself interferes with the ability to abstain. This is the paradox of recovery. Use of alcohol or other drugs can temporarily reverse the symptoms of the damage. If alcoholics drink, or drug addicts use, they will think clearly for a little while, be able to have normal feelings and emotions for a little while, feel healthy for a little while. Unfortunately, the disease will eventually trigger a loss of control that will again destroy these functions.

For this reason it is necessary to do everything possible to reduce the symptoms of PAW. It is necessary to understand PAW and to recognize that you are not incompetent and you are not going crazy. Because post acute withdrawal symptoms are stress sensitive, you need to learn about PAW and methods of control when stress levels are low in order to be able to prevent the symptoms or to manage them when they occur.

Wow, snow.

2009-12-19T14:48:00.000-08:00

Lou and Kristen are probably correct in the comments on my last post, I probably wouldn't be out there doing this stuff hungover...and I am now at it again this weekend. Two plus hours shoveling, and only on the first shift...back out in a couple hours.

I have not seen this much snow since my younger days in upstate New York...and even there, this storm would be considered a whopper.

Muddy leaves

2009-12-12T21:23:00.000-08:00

One weekend ago:

Today #1

Today #2

Glad I am not shoveling and raking with a hangover...

Where to?

2009-12-11T20:19:00.000-08:00

I began this blog as a way to keep track of my progress. Writing down goals and my struggles to attain them helped.

I was looking back at some of my old posts today, and one thing that stood out was the sensation that time stood still when I was going through my alcohol withdrawal. When I first quit drinking all the stuff that I did in my sober evenings felt forced or fake. It seemed like I was doing busy tasks to simply stay occupied. I can't pinpoint the exact time that feeling faded away, but I am really happy that it is in the past.

So where to from here? I have this sense that I am at a crossroads. I feel really good, with no cravings to drink (still hate the poison). Still, I think it is time to get back to meetings, but this time put more work into the program. Always something else for me to learn, and I know I am never really cured of this affliction.

Happy (sober) weekend to all.

Family, holiday, and the weekend

2009-12-04T21:54:00.000-08:00

The difference between whether you say, 'I wish I would have,' or 'I'm glad I did,' at the end of your life is whether or not you take decisive action during your life.
~ by Chris Widener ~

We've been back for a few days now, and I'm finally getting caught up and re-acclimated to the time change and the weather. The trip and the holiday were absolutely fantastic. I'm already trying to find tickets back, especially with 2-4 inches of snow in the forecast.

I really don't talk with the kids much about not drinking. They recognize and seem to appreciate my sobriety, and asked me if it was okay if wine was served with dinner (of course). For me, watching a six pack of beer last for a week, and unused wine get tossed out is an interesting concept. I hope our daughters continue to take after their mother instead of me in this regard.

I found myself thinking back to past holidays, not in regret, but really savoring the fact that I no longer worry about drinking, or if there would be enough to drink, or the opportunity to do so. Life is just so much more enjoyable now, being sober.

So now, another weekend lies ahead, without a lot of tasks to get done, ample time to read, relax by the fire, and rest up a bit. As King of the AlcoHell Haters Club, I proclaim this one hangover-less and alcohol free weekend...at least for me it is, since I am the only one that I have any control over.

No more Russian Roulette for me...

Happy Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T06:02:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving. We're off to the desert southwest to be with family, and will be back next week. Hope everyone has a great holiday!

A nice autumn weekend

2009-11-22T20:17:00.000-08:00

I think we need to make weekends three days long.

One of the things I love the best about not drinking is never waking up with a hangover. What a stupid cycle that was. Get drunk, pass out, be sick, and repeat. Now I get up at a reasonable hour, get moving, do some of the chores that need to be done, do some of the activities that I enjoy, and finish the evening with a book and a fire in the fireplace. Reading a book while drinking beer never worked out very well, since the pages blurred and I never could remember what I read the next morning. ack!

There are so many neat things to do sober (hence the need for extra weekend days). I'm taking two yoga classes a week, started some short jogging (again), hit the gym regularly, read blogs, and never watch TV. The leaves are raked, the grass cut, and things around the house are generally in order. It was even nice enough today to take the bike out for a ride.

The book I am currently reading is A Wolf at the Table by Augusten Burroughs. I've also read two other books by him, including Dry. While his novels are a bit over the top (my opinion) there seems to be little doubt that his Dad and he were both alcoholics. Reading Dry probably would have been better after this latest memoir, since Dry is where he goes to rehab and finally breaks the chain.

Reading his, and other's stories, helps me to appreciate this gift we have been given, a chance to truly enjoy life. And its ups and downs, and twists and turns.

H1N1 cough etiquette (parody)

2009-11-17T22:13:00.000-08:00

Haven't decided whether to get the shot, or just follow the cough instructions in the video. :-)

Today I am grateful for:

Yoga, yet another new fitness activity.

Family, and the opportunity for all of us to be together on Thanksgiving.

Second chances, and the gift of not living in a alcohell induced haze.

Sober holidays, the real way to celebrate.

The suitcase is unpacked

2009-11-14T15:15:00.000-08:00

Back home from two trips, with a day to gather thoughts in between. There really is no place like home.

Today I am disappointed since two friends are (seemingly) back out doing field research. I know that I only have control over my own actions, but I am sad nonetheless.

I think of the statement "My worse days sober are way better than my best days drinking", and how very true this is. I wish there was some magic potion or spell that I could use to help others embrace this, and not give in to the swan song of the poison which is alcohol.

As I write I sense that this blog has taken a turn to doom and gloom....

But in actuality, it is not so. I am sober, alive, and grateful.

I have a precious gift of sobriety, a fragile state to take great care of. Things are going very well, there is much to do this weekend, both chores and recreation. So, time to catch up on some other blogs, relax, and enjoy some beautiful Fall weather.

Sobriety is addictive.